1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,462 (Tessa) It took me a couple of weeks 2 00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:06,924 but I finally find my favorite thing to do in suburbs. 3 00:00:06,924 --> 00:00:09,384 Sleep. 4 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:12,304 Tessa, what're you doing? Let's go before she gets here. 5 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,018 - She's still watering? - Still watering. 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,896 - Why didn't you set an alarm? - 'I kept hitting snooze.' 7 00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:24,024 I was having the most amazing dream about Manhattan. 8 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,901 'Yeah? What was so amazing?' 9 00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,027 We were still living there. 10 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,570 Ha ha. 11 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,155 I can't take it anymore. 12 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,782 Sheila's constant invitations 13 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,367 to dinner every single morning. 14 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,245 I'm running out of creative ways to say no. 15 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,413 Have you tried running her over with your car? 16 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:41,041 That's creative. 17 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,585 [squeaks] 18 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,213 Oh, no. Hose is off. She's coming, she's coming! 19 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,965 My backpack! It's upstairs! 20 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,716 No time! Go! Go! 21 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,639 [dramatic music] 22 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:05,983 Unh! 23 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:18,120 (George) 'Go, go, go, go, go, go.' 24 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,621 - Dad! - Aah! 25 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:20,956 I'm stuck. Save yourself. 26 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:25,377 - Go! - No, dad. I won't leave you. 27 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,630 Tessa, go. 28 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,048 Just go. 29 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,763 [George groans] 30 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,724 Well, hiya, neighbor! 31 00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,475 Dinner tonight? 32 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,476 [sighs] 33 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:46,106 [theme music] 34 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:50,986 ♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪ 35 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:54,156 ♪ La-da-da-da da-da-da-da ♪♪ 36 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:57,993 Bio-scientists have determined that when you remove an animal 37 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,536 from its indigenous environment. 38 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,456 For example, the gentoo penguin.. 39 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,583 And deposit said animal 40 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,960 into a region that it's not accustomed to, 41 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,465 it is far more susceptible to infectious disease. 42 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,050 Any questions? 43 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,511 Yes, Dalia? 44 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,263 I hate birds. 45 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,931 Thank you, Dalia. 46 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:23,560 I had to remind myself that, as bad as I had it 47 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,189 the gentoo penguin had it worse. 48 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,107 [indistinct chatter] 49 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,402 Oh! 50 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,029 Hey, Lisa. 51 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,281 I heard that your family was coming over for dinner tonight 52 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,659 and I just wanted to apologize in advance for my family. 53 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,244 Don't worry about it. 54 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,246 Your family's never as bad as you think they are. 55 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,581 (Ryan) 'Hey, Lisa!' 56 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,833 This is how dad does it to mom. 57 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,092 Unless they are. 58 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:59,012 Are you ready to do this? 59 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,139 Wait, before we go over there, we should really 60 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,557 figure out an exit strategy. 61 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,393 Oh, that's smart. Okay, how about this? 62 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,894 After dessert, I'll say we'd better go 63 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,687 'cause you got to study for a math test tomorrow. 64 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,523 Come on, dad! 65 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,942 I don't have to study. I know everything already. 66 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,236 You said that last time, young lady 67 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,863 and you ended up with a "D!" 68 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,448 Good. 69 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,534 That felt good. 70 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,329 But what if it's before dessert, and one of us can't take it? 71 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,248 I think we need a code word. 72 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,250 Uh, "pickles. " 73 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,584 "Pickles?" 74 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:30,877 What, you got something better? 75 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,629 Fine. "Pickles." 76 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,381 One of us cites "pickles," 77 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,551 the other cites irritable bowel, and we're gone. Got it? 78 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,219 Got it. 79 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,847 Let's do this. 80 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,766 What is keeping you two? 81 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,768 [smacking lips] 82 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,270 [silverware clinks] 83 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,898 Do you want your bones? 84 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,650 Yes. 85 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,570 So, George, you never did say what happened to your wife. 86 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,697 - Fred! - It's an honest question. 87 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:01,241 If George wants, he can say "no comment." 88 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,451 No comment. 89 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,578 [Sheila and Fred laugh] 90 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,455 Seriously, what happened? 91 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,999 Uh, we separated 15 years ago. 92 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,084 I saw this show once where these twins 93 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,961 attached at the face were separated. 94 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,422 It was awesome. I think one of 'em died. 95 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,757 I saw that, too. I think one of 'em did die. 96 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,634 [Fred and Ryan laugh] 97 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,386 Are you all done here, honey? 98 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,389 So back to George's failed marriage. You cheat? 99 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,349 I would never dream of cheating on Sheila. 100 00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:30,187 Couldn't. She watches me like a hawk...and I love it. 101 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,105 Whoo! 102 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,941 May I be excused? Having a terrible time. 103 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,401 What about dessert? 104 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,652 Lisa can't have dessert. 105 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,196 - Why-why not? The sugar? - No. 106 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,780 [doorbell rings] 107 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,074 Oh! I got it. It's for me. Lisa has no friends. 108 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,827 Don't listen to him, honey. You have lots of friends. 109 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,289 We'll be downstairs. 110 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,458 Hey, uh, careful not to set off the smoke detector 111 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,293 with the gun show. 112 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,377 (Sheila) 'Ooh!' 113 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,129 [laughs] 114 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,964 You girls want to join? 115 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,217 Oh, no, thank you. I don't want to see the gun show. 116 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,968 - I've already seen it. - Come now. 117 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,762 You guys head on down to the rumpus room. 118 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,805 Fred and I have some grown-up questions for George. 119 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,099 Ooh. Uh, can I go down to the rumpus room, too? 120 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,019 [both laugh] 121 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,354 No, you may not. 122 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,527 Joey. Truth or dare? 123 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:22,572 Maybe I did something wrong in a previous life. 124 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,115 Maybe I was Eva Braun. 125 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,661 - Ryan. Truth or dare? - Wait. Okay, dare. 126 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,121 I have some chocolate in my room. I'll be right back. 127 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,166 I dare you to kiss a lesbian. 128 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,001 I'm not kissing my sister. 129 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,795 Not your sister, you idiot...her. 130 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,296 [pinball rolling] 131 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,714 Tessa. 132 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,719 Um, thanks, uh, but I'm.. 133 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,179 I'm not really a part of this game. 134 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,181 You are now, beeyotch. 135 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,186 What do you mean, I have to have a barbecue? 136 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,149 Not a barbecue, George. The barbecue. 137 00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,484 Here's the dealio, George. 138 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:00,902 If you move into this neighborhood 139 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:03,238 and don't have "the barbecue," you'll be shunned. 140 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,239 - Ostracized. - Excommunicated. 141 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,865 And why? 142 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,492 (both) Because you didn't have the barbecue. 143 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,786 This is Chatswin, and when a new family moves here 144 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,663 and doesn't have the barbecue, it looks like they don't 145 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,081 want to be a part of the neighborhood. 146 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,791 And if people don't want us, we don't want them. 147 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,876 - That's just human nature. - So have the barbecue. 148 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,670 - And eat your cake. - It's good. 149 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,882 Look, I really appreciate you including me 150 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,093 in your reindeer games, sincerely 151 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,846 but, um, in this case, I'm just gonna have to 152 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,056 politely decline. 153 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,766 Once someone dares you to do something 154 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,811 you kind of have to do it, or else you're a wuss. 155 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,481 Yeah, I'm-I'm familiar with the rules of.. 156 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:43,403 ...Wuss-iosity, but there are loopholes. 157 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,323 You know what a loophole is, don't...you? 158 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:49,326 Sure. It's a hole with a loop in it. 159 00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:51,036 ♪ And let's live it up ♪ 160 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,830 ♪ Turn it out time is feeling right ♪ 161 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,957 ♪ No more waiting ♪ 162 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,335 ♪ Oh tonight's the night we're gonna go ♪ 163 00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,920 ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ 164 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,173 ♪ And start this show-oh-oh ♪ 165 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,841 ♪ oh oh oh ♪♪ 166 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,178 Pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles! 167 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,471 [door slams] 168 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,890 P-pickles give her irritable bowel. 169 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,433 It's a brine thing. 170 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,185 Anyway, thank you for dinner. 171 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,481 I didn't serve pickles. 172 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,029 Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. 173 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,864 How could I have kissed a person who is 174 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,325 by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger.. 175 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,327 ...and actually like it? 176 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,704 [alarm chirps] 177 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,122 [beeps] 178 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,457 But it's a new day. 179 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,167 I was determined to press on 180 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,879 and act as though last night never happened. 181 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:44,381 ♪ You ridin' with me? ♪ 182 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,882 ♪ You want this money, let's get it ♪ 183 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,676 ♪ Is you down for me? ♪ 184 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,719 ♪ I ain't funny I'm committed don't be lyin' to me ♪ 185 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:51,513 ♪ I ain't the one to do the kiddin' ♪ 186 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,015 ♪ Hey little mama you should let me be your daddy ♪ 187 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,475 ♪ Is you ridin' with me? ♪ 188 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,726 ♪ You want this money let's get it ♪ 189 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,561 ♪ Is you down for me? ♪ 190 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,897 ♪ I ain't funny I'm committed don't be lying to me ♪ 191 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,691 ♪ I ain't the one to do the kiddin' ♪ 192 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,984 ♪ Hey little mama you should let me be your daddy ♪ 193 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,529 ♪ In the strip club sittin' at the corner of the bar ♪ 194 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,240 ♪ With the thick girls lookin' when they find out I'm a star ♪ 195 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,034 ♪ 'Cause I'm shinin' every night everybody can see it ♪ 196 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,829 Why am I waving? Stop waving. 197 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,831 What the hell was wrong with me? 198 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,209 I wasn't myself. Maybe I was low blood sugar. 199 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,467 - You okay, Tess? - What? Why? 200 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:33,930 You're...pouring milk that isn't there. 201 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,808 So, what happened last night? 202 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,476 - Last night? - With the pickles. 203 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,937 Oh! The pickles. 204 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,857 Oh. Yeah. That was nothing. 205 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:47,068 The, um, rumpus room just had a lot of wood paneling. 206 00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:49,320 - It felt like an asylum. - A wood-paneled asylum? 207 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,114 Yeah. 208 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,367 A rustic, high-end wood-paneled asylum. 209 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,326 Look it up. 210 00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,663 Lisa! 211 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,373 [sighs] Hey. 212 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,375 I know what's going on between you and my brother. 213 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,793 Nothing is going on. 214 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,044 Then why were you looking at him like that 215 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,880 this morning when he was washing the car? 216 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,923 This is pathetic. I thought you were different. 217 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,175 You should have seen the look on your face. 218 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,426 It was sickening. 219 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,807 Lisa was right. 220 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,642 It was sickening. I was sick. 221 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:22,395 I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. 222 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:29,527 Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. 223 00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,029 Much more my type. 224 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,448 Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? 225 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,617 Hi. I'm Tessa. 226 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,494 I'm Evan. 227 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:42,415 - Wanna make out? - What? I mean...what? 228 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,334 [coins clatter] 229 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,591 Damn it, Evan! 230 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,969 I feel nothing. Nothing. 231 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,472 - Sorry? - Not as sorry as I am. 232 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,518 As you were, Evan. 233 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,479 What? 234 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,397 You haven't had the barbecue yet? Are you kidding me? 235 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,651 - Seriously? That's for real? - Yeah, that's for real. 236 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:12,278 I'm surprised people are still talking to you. 237 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,239 I'm surprised I'm still talking to you. 238 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,698 Ow! 239 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,201 Javier, you just nicked my ear. 240 00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,829 That's strike two. Just send out an evite. 241 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,705 I don't even know how I'm gonna do this, realistically. 242 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,083 All I've got is this old hibachi used in Manhattan. 243 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,836 An old hi-whatchi? Are you kidding me? 244 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,504 Alright. I'm gonna do something for you. 245 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:32,090 Javier, cover your ears. 246 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,677 I'm gonna let you borrow my grill. 247 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,262 Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks. 248 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:40,390 "Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks." Are you kidding me? 249 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,850 I never let anybody borrow my grill. 250 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,393 You should be kissing the ground I walk on. 251 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,769 Well, I don't know. You think it's big enough? 252 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,729 Is the Statue of Liberty big enough? 253 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:48,648 Is J.Lo's ass big enough? 254 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,066 For me, it is. 255 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,361 Yeah, I think it's big enough. 256 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,904 Well, look who's here. 257 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,990 You're just the gentleman I wanted to talk to. 258 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,575 Hey, is this about the barbecue? 259 00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,826 No, it's not. 260 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:00,910 But you really should have it 261 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,037 before things get unpleasant. 262 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:06,165 George, take a walk with me. 263 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,542 Okay. 264 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:15,216 Alright, Javier. Let's try the hot shave one more time. 265 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,384 What's going on? 266 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,969 Well, I just thought you should know 267 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,096 I mean, considering the whole condom situation 268 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,472 that brought you here 269 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,058 according to Dalia, who was there 270 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:28,646 Tessa went to first base with Ryan Shay last night 271 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,899 and apparently it was hot. 272 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,276 Uh-huh. What-what's first base again? 273 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,236 Well, it's regional, but here.. 274 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,071 Open mouth, some tongue. 275 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,199 Well, that doesn't sound right. Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay. 276 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,452 Well, of course Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay 277 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:45,079 but have you seen his rock-hard abs? 278 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:48,458 [laughs] I mean, if you.. 279 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,084 It.. You know what? 280 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,045 If neighbors don't look out for neighbors 281 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,422 we could end up having little baby neighbors. 282 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,090 [cell phone rings] 283 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,885 Oh! I just got an evite to your barbecue on Sunday. 284 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,888 OMG, I am there. Thank you. 285 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,599 What? How is that possible? 286 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,184 All good for Sunday, buddy. 287 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,690 (Tessa) Meatball sub.. 288 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,610 Two of the least sexy words in the English language 289 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,528 unless Ryan Shay was on the other end of it. 290 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,616 I was better than this. 291 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,953 I was Turkey and wheat, and I had to remember that. 292 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,871 Tessa. 293 00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:30,083 Meet me behind the bleachers, 2:00. 294 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,417 Okay. 295 00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,301 I needed guidance.. 296 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,720 ...so I went to the only place I could think of. 297 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,182 So, Tessa, what guidance can I give you today? 298 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:50,979 [sighs] I am being consumed by my desire for something 299 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,107 something that is not good for me. 300 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,150 You're addicted to drugs. 301 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,444 - No. Absolutely not. - Are you sure? 302 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:01,656 Because I've been told, a lot of people from the inner city are. 303 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,366 And I've seen "Rent." 304 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,910 I'm from Manhattan, and it's not drugs. 305 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,580 It's a guy that I'm incredibly attracted to 306 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,082 but don't like. 307 00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,750 Intellectually, I know he's not good for me, 308 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,379 but I can't stay away from him. 309 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,840 Sounds like the kind of relationship people have 310 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:19,841 with their drug dealers. 311 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,426 He's not a drug dealer! 312 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,220 He's just...stupid.. 313 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,764 ...which means I must be stupid for liking him. 314 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,392 Maybe there's something more to him than meets the eye. 315 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,352 After all, when people look at me 316 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,813 all they see is someone who's North Korean 317 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,648 but when they dig a little deeper 318 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,191 they're also surprised to learn 319 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:41,279 that I'm partially... South Korean. 320 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,364 (Tessa) Ryan wasn't South Korean.. 321 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:50,121 But he certainly was a good kisser. 322 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,041 I can't believe we are making out behind the bleachers. 323 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,375 It is so cliche. 324 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,003 Who's cliche? Is she, like, a singer? 325 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,757 Don't speak. 326 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,300 But we had to speak. 327 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,260 It was the only way I was going to find out 328 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,637 if there was more to Ryan than met my lips. 329 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,265 ♪ There's a boy down in New York City ♪ 330 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,059 Have you ever seen a foreign film? 331 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,810 "Avatar?" 332 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,604 That's not a foreign film. 333 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,689 It takes place on a foreign planet. 334 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:20,443 And James Cameron is Canadian. 335 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,028 Partial credit. 336 00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:25,782 ♪ Babe I gotta roll ♪ 337 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,909 ♪ To the next shore ♪♪ 338 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,410 If you could have dinner with any famous person 339 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621 living or dead, who would it be? 340 00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:35,041 Scarlett Johansson. Dead. 341 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,126 I had never been so disgusted with someone 342 00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,546 in my entire life. 343 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,715 And that someone was me. 344 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,348 Oh, so that-that kid from across the street.. 345 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:53,017 What's his, what's his name? Brian? 346 00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:56,854 - Ryan. - Ryan. That's it. Yeah. 347 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,357 Nice kid? 348 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,734 I-I really wouldn't know. Do you want my carrots? 349 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,403 Uh, I'm good. He seems like a nice kid. 350 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:10,827 So what's the deal, have you guys ever talked or.. 351 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,331 - Anything? - This is your fault, not mine. 352 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,125 - Yours. - My fault? What's my fault? 353 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:20,253 You pulled me out of my indigenous region and just.. 354 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,088 ...dropped me into a completely different habitat! 355 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,589 Okay, I'll take your carrots. 356 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,967 It's not about the carrots, George. It's me. 357 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,802 I am a gentoo penguin. 358 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:31,639 I am a sick, diseased gentoo penguin 359 00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,141 and I am dying here! 360 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,362 [laughs] Ohh. 361 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:49,073 What do you think? I love her. I call her Sally. 362 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,409 Yeah, well, Sally just burned a hole in my retina. 363 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,411 - She's a powerful lady, George. - Uh-huh. 364 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:57,415 If she wasn't made of steel, I'd take her as a lover. 365 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,125 - Great turnout, George. - Yeah. 366 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,877 I am sorry my husband couldn't be here 367 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:05,006 but he travels, a lot, on business. 368 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,383 Okay. How-how's the guacamole? 369 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,302 It's killer. You smush it yourself? 370 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,386 I did, actually, yes. 371 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,971 - You did? - Yes. 372 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,974 Speaking of smushing, any intel on what happened 373 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,226 between Tessa and Ryan in the rumpus room 374 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,188 or as I like to call it, "the humpus in the rumpus?" 375 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,898 Uh, yeah, well, not really. 376 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,482 I tried to broach the subject with her 377 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,942 but she just got upset 378 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,485 and said something cryptic about penguins. 379 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,405 Ooh. That might be Internet talk for "penis." 380 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,907 I'll Yahoo it and get back to you. 381 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,783 I gotta be honest. I'm not overly concerned. 382 00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,076 That kid's a total bonehead. 383 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,662 Well, so is Ryan. 384 00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,456 I was talking about Ryan. 385 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:39,665 Okay. 386 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:44,629 - Hey. - Hey. 387 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,422 You still mad at me? 388 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,050 Mad? No. 389 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:52,720 I mean, you can't help the way you feel, I guess. 390 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,848 Yeah. Exactly. 391 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,975 I mean, it's like chips. 392 00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,518 Chips are my favorite thing in the world. 393 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:01,812 I could eat, like, two or three bags at once. 394 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:04,106 - I know, right? - But I don't. 395 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,858 You know why? 396 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,902 Because they're bad for me. 397 00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,446 As much as I want to put that entire bag inside my mouth 398 00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,657 I know that if I do, I'll get dehydrated 399 00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,076 I'll break out, and I might get diarrhea. 400 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,535 Diarrhea? From chips? 401 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,831 So I don't, because I've got willpower 402 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:24,168 and I can't be mad at you for not having willpower. 403 00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,505 All I can do is pity you, which I do. 404 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,012 Okay. Well, thanks. 405 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,889 So wonderful to be here, George. 406 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:40,017 Such a beautiful place. The hydrangeas are just.. Wow. 407 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,560 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 408 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,562 I gotta tell you, it's-it's so nice to see 409 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,273 a gay couple in the neighborhood. 410 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:48,025 Makes me feel like I'm back in the city. 411 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,403 There's a gay couple? Where? 412 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,655 Gossip. I love hearing it before my wife. Dish. 413 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,781 - Dish. - Dish. 414 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,491 George. Hi. 415 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,493 We got an emergency. 416 00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:01,163 - She's dead. Sally's dead. - What do you mean, she's dead? 417 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,707 She's out of propane! 418 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:04,041 Okay, so I'll go pick up some more. 419 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,294 No more. No. She takes the big tanks. 420 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,045 The only place that sells the big tanks is Artie's. 421 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,256 Artie's is closed on Sundays! Artie! 422 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,883 Okay, keep your voice down. Give me a second to think. 423 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,554 George. What's the ETA on the burgers? 424 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,930 The natives are getting restless. 425 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,016 Man cannot live by chips and guac alone. 426 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,642 Fred, let me walk this dog. 427 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,185 Five, ten minutes, tops. 428 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,271 If you ask me, calling a barbecue a barbecue 429 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,732 without actually having a barbecue would be worse 430 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,150 'than not having a barbecue at all.' 431 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,651 Didn't ask you. 432 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,653 Boy, someone had a big scoop of crab salad. 433 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,488 Yeah, a big scoop. 434 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,158 Damn it, Fred. If you can't plus it, you just leave it alone. 435 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,746 Ryan, I can't do this anymore. 436 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:42,913 Is it my breath? 437 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,415 Because I skipped the guacamole. 438 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,125 No. Your breath is fine. 439 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,419 - It's me. - You had the guacamole. 440 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,796 No. I mean, a little, yeah, but.. 441 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,965 I could taste it, but I wasn't gonna say anything. 442 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,052 Look, Ryan, I like you. 443 00:18:56,052 --> 00:19:00,139 I do. I mean, you're good-looking.. 444 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,016 ...and you're.. 445 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,351 ...really good-looking. 446 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,603 - Then what's the problem? - Nothing. 447 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,355 It's just.. 448 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,775 You're a bag of chips. 449 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,109 A bag of chips? 450 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,569 You know how they taste really good 451 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,112 but they're void of all nutritional value 452 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,656 and in the end, you kinda regret eating them? 453 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,241 No. 454 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,827 Oh. 455 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,329 Well, you do. 456 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,789 Oh, yeah? 457 00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:27,375 Well, you know what you are? 458 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:28,501 You're peanut brittle. 459 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,044 - Excuse me? - That's right. 460 00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:31,420 You're big chunks of sticky stuff 461 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,631 that doesn't know whether it's sweet or salty 462 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,716 and you gotta break it up into little pieces. 463 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,760 Well, that's what I'm doing to you. 464 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,679 I'm breaking up into little pieces! 465 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,603 As Ryan and his six-pack walkedout of the laundry room 466 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,814 it hit me. 467 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,149 I would never see the gun show again. 468 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:54,860 What the hell is that? 469 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,320 His name is Joe. 470 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,738 He's from New York, 471 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,824 and he runs on old-fashioned charcoal briquettes. 472 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,742 Now let's light his face on fire 473 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:06,080 and serve these people some New York-style dogs. 474 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,458 (Tessa) The only thing more voracious thany appetite for Ryan 475 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,586 was Chatswin's appetite for barbecue. 476 00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,717 So I don't know what gentoo penguins eat in the wild 477 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,803 but since you're in captivity 478 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,472 you want a hot dog? 479 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,849 Thanks. 480 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,600 There he is. 481 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,769 Loved your New York wieners, George. 482 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,229 I could have eaten a dozen of them. 483 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,064 Utterly delicious. 484 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,816 We'll have to sneak into a Metropolis sometime, 485 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,402 when our wives aren't looking for a sausage fix. 486 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,737 - Oh. Toodles, George. - Toodles. 487 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,030 - Mwah. - Mwah. 488 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,074 Toodles. 489 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,034 Wow. 490 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,912 So I guess our barbecue was a success. 491 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,414 High five. 492 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,748 [sighs] 493 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,793 A year ago, if you'd have told me 494 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,545 I'd be high-fiving over a barbecue 495 00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,380 I would have called you a liar. 496 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,215 Yeah, well, if you told me I'd be first in line 497 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,552 to see the gun show, I'd have slapped myself. 498 00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,262 Don't slap yourself. 499 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,473 It was a pretty impressive gun show. 500 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,349 I feel like an idiot. 501 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,893 Hey, I've been there. 502 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:12,229 I-I once dated this incredibly beautiful woman 503 00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:15,316 who I could hardly stand being in the same room with. 504 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,612 I love when you tell stories about mom. 505 00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:24,658 Eat your hot dog.